I have a side hustle.


It’s something that I take a fair amount of pride in, and something that gives me a bit of a creative outlet. It’s a noble trade, but one that many shy away from, as it is also a difficult one. Luckily, there are the brave and diligent few, like me, who are fiercely dedicated to their craft: painting coolers for rich white dudes.


Before I started going to school in the South, I had no idea what this booming custom-cooler industry was all about. But down here in Alabama, it’s kind of a big deal. Basically, when a frat boy takes a young woman to his formal in the spring, she will traditionally paint a cooler with all sorts of hyper-masculine things for him to pack his cheap beer and 4 handles of vodka in for the weekend. If he is so gracious as to invite her to New Orleans, the most romantic and beautiful city in the world, he is obviously owed SOMETHING in return. Spending weeks creating a piece of art that is also functional is the least this woman can do. Some of these gals, however, have gotten wise and realized that instead of putting in all the time and effort to make something for a boy they are not really all that attracted to but led on just long enough to get asked on this weekend getaway, they can just get someone else to do it for them. Someone desperate for cash to support their Jimmy John’s addiction and gay agenda. That someone is me. Thanks to lazy sorority girls and Daddy’s Money™, I am able to charge anywhere between $150-$200 for these little masterpieces. A fair price to abandon all my principles for and perpetuate sexist traditions. Here’s how I do it.


Step 1: Purchase the Cooler

Pro tip: go to Walmart and buy the cheapest, most featureless one they have as to minimize effort and maximize profit. The girl you are making it for has no idea how much it costs. She had never stepped foot in a Walmart; it is beneath her.


Step 2: Sand and Prime

Take an electric sander and just go to town on that thing. When it’s smooth as a baby’s butt, tape over the parts you don’t want to get paint on, embrace your inner graffiti artist, and spray paint the whole cooler till it’s as white as the man who is about to receive it.


Step 3: Paint the Cooler

This is the fun part. Let your imagination shine and flow onto the canvas of cheap plastic in the form of beer logos, football stadiums, and fraternity crests. Hunting rifles and camouflage are also acceptable forms of art.


Step 4: Seal the Cooler

Now this is important. Once you have done everything else, you need to seal up your artwork so that generations to come will be able to appreciate the beauty of your date’s fraternity house, and think back on a Bud Light commercial that aired in the fall of 2017.


In all seriousness, I do enjoy the painting. It’s a nice break from thinking about advertising and the fact that the world is burning and just focus my mind. For reference, I have attached a few photos of the coolers I have painted in the past. I hope you enjoy, and if you’re interested, I will have an Etsy shop up and running as soon as I come up with the perfect cooler-related pun to name it.